well hello again

So I haven't written in a while due to the severe lack of time in my life lately. It's amazing how so much has changed and for the better I hope. I'm seeing a guy who is amazing. He is an ex marine and future Army Officer. He is a sweet heart and a big help to my future health success. He has to be a certain weight and body type before entry into the Army so he has been eating super healthy and exercising a ton! So I of course can't just sit back and be a slacker so I am as well. I evened passed up apple pie tonight omg...and resisted the Jimmy John's urge! Did you know that my old meal there was over 1,000 calories!!! Shoot me no wonder why I'm over weight! So anyways this momma has been kicking it into high gear and I even bought Calorad MG because I had a friend who had a ton of success with it. Well anyways back to the guy. He is sweet to me and even though we don't get to see each other much I kind of enjoy it because I get so excited to see him! He is clean like I am which is a plus...and he has an eight year old daughter so we have the parent thing in common. Oh and btw possibly getting a new apartment asap! Bye now off to the bed!

Valentines Day-Hate

Well here I am at work at 7:30...no happy valentines yet...suppose to have a date tonight but we'll see...pretty much not going to get any sleep. I have to prep for clinicals and drive to Springfield (45 minutes away) then Aurburn (20 minutes away from there). So I might die tomorrow haven't decided yet. I just want my shift to be over so I can work out with Ash and get rid of this stupid stomach...wish that could happen before tonight. If tonight doesn't end well I think I may just cry and give up on the whole dating thing...single can be fun right?

I got a booty call this weekend at 2 in the morning from small guy Kyle...oh my. Why do I just get the guys with just want sex and thats it? IT pretty much sucks! Chris isn't like that so that is good! Oh and I'm broke as a joke and I have no idea how I'm going to afford lunch at this point. I just pray that some checks don't go through today so I can get some money in the bank.

Well I'm at work so I should probably get off the computer. bye-bye now

Guess Who Has a Valentine!

So I think that I have this dark cloud surrounding me on dates such as Valentines day. I've only actually had one valentine in my whole entire life. I find this hard to believe since I have been with someone for almost the last 5 years of my life. Jeff however always seemed to break up with me convenantly right before Valentine's Day and get back together right after. My only Valentine was my last ex and only one year since we got together after valentines Day and broke up before. So I never though in a million years I would have a Valentine this year! But....drum roll.....I have a Valentine! Chris asked me to be his Valentine this year! He is taking me out Monday night...well atleast I hope so...he is currently sick at the moment. I hope everything works out because like I have said before he is like the most perfect guy I have met and pretty much all I want right now is for him to feel the same way about me as I feel about him.

So have I told you about my new job? Fitness Instructor at the YMCA...I love it! I'm pretty sure I have OCD just haven't been clinically diagnosed. So I get to clean all day and it works perfectly for me! I love cleaning and I used to get to do it a lot when I had a whole house to clean but I've learned that my roommates get pissy when I clean. They all come in and just drop their shit (excuse my language) in the middle of the living room...how the hell am I suppose to clean that up? I don't know where to put their stuff! The last time I moved something of theirs I got yelled at because they couldn't find it! And then there are dishes ugh! They never...ever.ever do dishes! One dish was in there for 3 weeks before I finally washed it. Well one day I decided to put away dishes because there were no empty spaces in the THREE drains they had. Well then I got in trouble because they couldn't find their dishes! OMG these people need to learn how to create spaces for things! My room is spotless constantly and they make fun of me for it! I just don't know what to do I need a cleaning outlet...I would make it my car but it's too freaking cold and icy for that right now. Well anyway most of the time during work I get to clean and since no one else cleans there is always something for me to do! I love seeing the product of a good clean to..like watching something that was dirt covered sparkle! ekk! and yes I know I'm completely weird and yes I know that this is probably where my daughter gets her OCD habits but I figure there are a lot worse things that parents teach their children.

I find that I write longer blogs when I'm at work at the hotel...I think its because I'm so bored and I have no one to talk to really for 7 hours so my mind builds up stuff to talk about and I take it out on my blog readers...although there are not very many right now. I was dead tired about 2 hours ago to the point that I was falling asleep on my desk but now I'm having a hyper rebound which is good because i have some laundry and stuff to do when I get home! Which unfortunately isn't for and hour and 45 minutes. But hey it is close...I think I'll have a jack and coke and do some cleaning while watching Teen Mom 2 on my laptop! Sounds like a perfect plan right?

Hump Day (Not that type sicko)

Yay I don't get that type of humping anymore. Down to one and I barely talk to that one and haven't had the chance to even hang out with him this week. I have been hanging out with my best friend a lot this week which I thought would cheer me up and everything, but its turned out to just bite me in the ass. She has had an attitude and been a pretty much down right bitch to me all week. Calling me out in class cause I wasn't paying attention, laughing at me when I say stuff but not telling me why she is laughing, making fun of me dating because hell she is married and I think she forgot what it was like, and talking about me to other people even when I'm around to hear it. I just feel alone and hurt right now. I'm depressed and I need someone to talk to because the two people I used to just talk to have pretty much abandoned me. I feel like there is something completely wrong with me that is turning other people away. Even my roommates are being like that. It's like people are freaking bi-polar around me. Some days I just want to pack up my stuff and move away. Honestly my job at the Y is the only part of the day that I look forward to and like. This is a depressing post...sorry

Down to one

Alright it is official its down to one man...Chris.

He is so sweet...this morning he sent me a lovely text calling me beautiful and it made me smile. He talked last night about how we are going to make the perfect pair. Although he is a packers fan so I'm not sure about that lol. I think that we can atleast get those cute pictures with the opposing jerseys on...it will be great.

I text Kyle last night to see if he had a good time because I hadn't heard from him since that morning. He said that he did but the conversation was kept short and I can tell that maybe he understands that there is nothing there as well.

Erik...well Erik. I will always love him and Tristan. Its so hard to let go. I'm tired of going over there and crying. So I've decided from now on I'm just going to go over there and pretend that there is no other girl and just have a good time with him. Maybe this will make life better and I can stop crying.

Well this is a short post. Going over to Erik's tonight and I'll try not to cry or get upset. We shall see how that goes...I'm hoping I get to have fun!

more like boy now...

Well...right now I'm pretty much on a roller coaster! So yes I did stay with Erik on Friday night...it was pretty much uneventful...yes I did end up in his bed but no more happened then his arm around my side as we slept.

Saturday...oh Saturday...Erik and I didn't go to Texas Roadhouse but that was my fault not his. Kyle and I did go to Springfield however...it was a long night. I felt bad because he spent a lot of money. See I can't drink beer, I'm allergic to it. So I had the expensive girly drinks. I tried to pay for my own as much as I could but he would just show up with them at times. The girls and I had a blast! We did about 10 shots over the course of the night. But Kyle on the other hand, even my best friend knew after dinner that there was just no future there. Personally I'm just not attracted to him. Don't get me wrong he is fun to be around but not as a boyfriend. Well I haven't heard from him since I dropped him off yesterday afternoon so maybe the feelings were mutual.

Chris on the other hand. He is just too perfect. Atleast in text messages he is. He said he def. wants to see me this week. He calls me dear and sweetie and oh its just so cute. I am attracted to Chris, I've known him for like 6 years, I love his family, I love his personality, its just all good there...just if I can get him to commit.

Erik....I broke down yesterday and went to his house. I told him I loved him and all I wanted was him back. I hate the fact that he has another girl because I want him to miss me and if he is constantly distracted by her I'm not sure that it will happen. He said he will always love me and when I said I just wanted him back he said that he doesn't think it works like that, which I don't understand at all. But he said he can't imagine not having me as a friend and loves when I come over and we just have a fun time.

As for ME...I'm starting a diet today and I exercised. I work at the Y now and I love it...plus I have no excuse not to work out now which helps a lot. Now if I can just stick to it we'll be good.

Update on the boys

Alright so sometimes I feel like everytime something seems to be going in the right direction a wall hits me right in the face. I have no patience lets just say that right off the bat. So it really annoys me when people take like 15 hours to reply to a text message? Hello its 2011 everyone carries their phone on them 24/7. Ok so you were at work but you didn't take a bathroom or lunch break that whole time?!?! Really?!?!?

Anyways as for Wednesday night...he came over...and it was amazing...you want details? ok! Well when he came over he got stuck...in our front yard! So we had to employ three guys from across the street to come help us. We got it out and then went back inside...where of course my slut of a roommate came down in a low cut top and sat and flirted with the guy I HAD OVER! ugh it annoyed the crap out of me! She has done this before two! She has two boyfriends as it is so leave mine alone! Well then my parents came over...it was suppose to be just me dad but as soon as my mom found out Kyle was over she of course had to come...to bring us a shovel so we could get Kenzie's car out of the back. So we all worked together and pushed Kenzies car all the way to the front of the house. At one point I almost fell and he grabbed me around the waist to catch me...it was so cute...ah :-)...

So after that we went inside and sat on the couch to watch TV...of course when you live in a house with 5 other people that task was not done alone. He sat next to me and put his arm around me but still keeping a little distance. Well needless to say after everyone left that distance wasn't kept too much longer. By the end of the night (2 AM) we had successfully made out for hours on end...he was happy about this too as I felt against my upper legs...if you know what I mean. Well I knew that if he stayed much longer things were going to go much farther than I wanted on a first date and I had to wake up in 4 hours for class. So we parted ways and he said he would be texting me tomorrow, which he did.

The next morning he apologized if things went farther than I wanted which was sweet. Chris also text, he severely apologized to the point I think he wanted to kill himself for not paying attention to me. He said he thought he had ruined everything. He asked if he could make it up to me and I said yes. He better act quick though because I think that things with Kyle and I are going to go fast and quick.

So now Kyle and I have plans Saturday night. We are going to the town that my bestest friend lives in. We are going out with her and her husband and a bunch of their friends to a hibachi grill, bowling, and out for drinks! I think it will be a really great time. And we are ending the night by staying at Ash's house...together...in their guest bedroom...we shall see where that leads...

Well I have to go to work now...blah...then work again tonight...blah times 2! Oh almost forgot...staying the night at the ex's tonight oh jeez. See he lives right by the hotel I work at and I get off super late tonight and have to be back super early in the morning so I asked if I could just stay with him...we are going to sleep in seperate beds...well atleast I plan on that but I can't account for my hormones or his so we'll see. We are also suppose to go to Texas Roadhouse for lunch tomorrow but he may ditch me for poker (I get ditched alot)

Bye folks!

Brrrrrrrr!

Ok so now the blizzard is over...now for the negative temperatures. Let's just say I'm ready for spring! Finally at about 1 this afternoon I had finally had all the family time I could take and made my dad take me home for a little bit. Now I don't have a car so I still feel like I'm in jail, but atleast I'm in jail in my own house with out 15 other family members into my every bit of business.

So I told my mom about this new guy I have a date with on Saturday...oh I can't remember if I told you about him. I actually technically met him on match.com then found him on facebook, then found out that he had dated one of my friends a long time ago. We've been talking for the past couple of days and he seems like a really nice guy. Well my mom found out about him last night so I had to answer 20,000+ questions. Come to find out he is like perfect and my mom had nothing she didn't like about him.

So anyways we were suppose to have a date Saturday night and as far as I know that is still on but he is also bringing me Starbucks right now and we are going to hang out! I'm super excited about this! And nervous about it at the same time. I wanted to wear something comfortable but then I didn't want to look drabby, but if I dressed up I feel like my flaws are more noticable. Ugh! I hate dating! Why is it necessary? Can't we just jump to the "I love you marry me" part?

I'm also extremely exhausted considering I slept with Bailey last night. We didn't even get to bed until 11:45 and then she fell asleep perfectly but my back started killing me and I ended up getting maybe 1-2 hours of sleep. I did fall asleep on the couch for a little bit but that doesn't count because there were tons of people around me talking and playing. Mom wants me to come back to her house tonight but I really just want to sleep in my own bed! Too bad my car isn't here. It's like I'm 16 again and I've never driven on a snowy road! I swear she thinks I'm incapable of anything on my own!

As for my date with Chris tonight...haven't heard anything from him all day...so kinda wondering what is going to happen with that if anything. I'm used to disappointment so I think I'll be ok either way!

Let it snow...let it snow

Well it's a snow day! Another part of being a single mom that I am successfully enjoying today! See as a not so single momma I would feel guilty on days like this because the ex always went into work and didn't get to stay home with the kids. Also I felt like I had to make a noticable difference in the cleanliness of my house otherwise I would get blaimed for just sitting around and doing nothing all day. Instead on this historical blizzard of a day I get to spend the whole day enjoying time with Bailey.

So I plan on getting down on the floor with her and enjoying games, coloring, and pretend play. I also plan to get some studying in during nap time! No stress today over what the ex will think I was doing all day when he gets home.

Got to text Chris for a while last night and it but a smile on my face! He is so sweet and puts those butterflies in my stomach! The ex I think got jealous because he automatically hoped on FB to talk to me for the rest of the night when I posted a status about being happy about certain texts from certain people. Although he will stand by the statement that he "doesn't get jealous". I think differently!

Also started messaging this guy who I randomly added on FB. He is from my town and seems really nice. I feel guilty though. I'm not one for "dating" multiple people at one time, but hey I can't dismiss a guy just because there might be a change with another person. Now if Wednesday night turns out to be as special as I hope it will be and things look like they are going to progress with Chris then I will cut off the other dating ties and pursue the path that I see to be most promising!

Well I'm off to enjoy this cold wintery day with the only person that constantly puts that smile on my face each and every day! Stay Warm!

Momma Interference

So at first I didn't know if I was going to be able to post twice today. I felt like this morning's post was short and sweet so I wanted to add a little something else. I sat all afternoon pondering what to write abotu because nothing exciting had happedned during the day, although I'm pretty sure this new job will provide more opportunity to meet men then the hotel did thats for sure.

Then the end of the school day came around and there is was...topic for a blog. Precursor to the story...there is a massive snow storm heading our way. Ok now story...I go to pick up Bailey from my Grandparents, only to find out that my grandma (who is kind of like the mafia grandma who controls even the big bad men in the family) had been told that I was wanted at my parent's house for the evening (and by evening I mean that my mom wanted to kidnap me and Bailey in the house so that we would be snowed in with her, not home alonE). Needless to say the power of the mafia grandma came over me and I headed home to pack...without the child of course because lord forbid I bring her home to pack with me.

See to normal people this might sound like a nice gesture, my mom inviting me to her house for the snow storm....but there is a catch. My mom gets frustrated by the fact that she doesn't know every little aspect of my life so she uses opportunities like this to snoop and ask questions. Not only that but if I call her out on it she pulls the whole "well I'm sorry that I'm interested in the life of the child who I helped raised and am helping out financially til she gets back on her feet" guilt trip crap. See this is why I'm so independent, because at a young age I learned that if I owed my mom something she would milk the "debit" for all its worth.

When I had moved out I didn't have this much of a problem because Erik and I were almost completely financially independent on our own. Also I wasn't alone which was the reason she didn't call 24/7 or ask me to come over every night of the week. Another problem with this being over here is she acts like Bailey's mom, only an over protective Bailey's mom. I can't sit down for 2 seconds because she is constantly worrying about what she is doing or what she is into.

So reason number one that I DON'T like being a single mom...the dependence on my mom! So hopefully this Chris thing goes well (which it still has so far today) and I won't be kept in this prison!

Snow Storms just know how to ruin everything

My date on Wednesday I can't wait for. Thinking about it just makes me smile and I get those lovely butterflies in my stomach. He makes me happy and I have really high hopes about this which is a first in a while. Well then we hear about this lovely snow storm! 12-20 inches and a half an inches of ice in the next two days! Hello are they trying to kill my dating plans! I'm like starting to get depressed as the snow just began to fall outside.

This guy is perfect! He is wanting to settle down, he is sweet, he isn't all about the physical side...he is dreamy! EK I just wanna scream!

Well this is my blog for now, short and sweet, and considering its like a blizzard I may not be on again! Have a wonderful Monday folks!

Oh Sunday...UPDATE

Alright so as you know I caved and went to the ex's with the kid, even though it was technically her nap time and my study time. When I got there he was cleaning and the kids started playing Wii and were actually getting along really really well which was nice. I noticed he had gone to walmart and bought the kids sippy cups. He also mentioned buying bailey a seat for his car. I find this sweet and interesting. See we are like a divorced couple but not which makes things like our involvement with each other's kids an interesting topic. See neither one of us are a parent to the other's kid technically but both kids grew up seeing the other as their parent. Neither of us has a legal right to get time alone with the kids either. So in this aspect its up to us to decide who gets to see them. For now we just agree to bring them together to play, usually at his house. This gesture of buying her a seat today was something special for me. Because he isn't legally Bailey's father it means he could just choose to never see her again, but acts like these show me that I don't think he ever wants her out of his life, which is sweet.

Anyways he was a doll to both Bailey and me. He cuddled with her, played with her, got her drinks and a snack, he also helped me with my taxes without me asking and even hugged me. I did keep my distance though! He sat on the opposite side of the couch until like the last five minutes when he cuddled up next to me. His mom also came over for a bit and was weirdly nice. She played with Bailey, brushed her hair, and didn't make any comment about me being there. She is bipolar though, one of the many fights my ex and I always had! Well anyways it was positive...and he said he wanted to go out to Texas Roadhouse with me next weekend, just as a friend date, which kinda made me smile.

Next on my list to tell you before I quit jabbering for the day. I have a date. A real date. With a guy I really like. Problem: He's Bailey's Dad's ex Best Friend...Positive: He feels the same way about Bailey's dad that I do. He is super sweet and has goals and reaches them. He has a college degree, makes bank, and is ready to settle down. He isn't my average type though, not rough around the edges farmer boy type. But like I've said before maybe that was my problem in the first place. Maybe I need to stretch away from my "average type". So anyways that is Wednesday and we shall see how that goes.

Well off to study for my big Med-Surg test tomorrow!

<3

Oh Sunday....

Ok so this is my first day in my adventure of trying to make singlemomhood a positive thing. Everyother day I've focused on the negatives and wallowed in my pity. But today is different. It started out well. My mom bought me a foam mattress topper to go on my until now very uncomfortable twin bed. You see I hadn't slept a whole night threw since I moved out of my comfortable king bed. Lets just say I slept so well that I missed my alarm clock and therefore missed church. Tonight will be the real test though since last night I also had a full bottle of wine which could have contributed to the lack of waking up.

So here is the test of the day. I was not going to contact the ex in anyway today. I was going to make him realize that I was really gone. Well I didn't ask, I didn't even text til he text me. I was not going to go over til he asked me and only because the kids need to see each other, damn kids make it hard to play hard to get. And yes I am playing hard to get because he still has feelings for me. He just left because I couldn't make the changes in my life that I needed to make while I was with him. I have a feeling thathe will come back to me, its just a matter of time. Of course this Tracey chick is putting a wrench in my plans. So anyways he just text me and asked me to come over. So off I go I guess, but with the full intention of sitting on a seperate couch and keeping to myself.

This may be harder than I planned. It's hard not to cuddle, kiss, hug the person who you did that with for two years and still have feelings for. Well I shall write again tonight and let you know how the rest of the day went!

Well Here We Go

I had my daughter 2 years ago...but I never really felt like a single mom. About 2 months after she was born I met, dated, and then got engaged to the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He was my version of perfect. My daughter grew up calling him dad, his kid is as close to me as Bailey is, and our house was my new ground, my comfort zone.

This dream world ended approximately at 11PM on New Years Eve. Almost exactly 7 months from the day I was suppose to walk down the aisle to him, he decided to call it quits. I guess I saw it coming but reality didn't hit me. That night it did. I was devistated. I just wanted to rewind and start over...be a better person for him, for our kids. But it was too late, he'd given me my chances. Now I needed to do it alone, to be better for myself.

I don't blame him, but that doesn't take the hurt and pain away. I still love him and he says he still loves me. I moved out a week later to a small house that I now share with 5 other people...now that is hard! I went from a 3 bedroom ranch with a king bed and full appliances. Now I have one small bedroom for me and my two year old to share, a shared bathroom, a shared living area, and shared appliances. I also now reside in a very uncomfortable twin bed. I felt like everything was falling apart.

It's been a month now since that night I wanted to erase forever. We are still friends and we hang out atleast once a week, mostly for our kids to see eachother. I've gone on one date with an old ex that just reminded me how I've had to change who I'm going to look for now that I'm a mom. My ex has been on a few dates with one girl and it kills me. I hate thinking and wondering if they are together, if they are in MY bed, on MY couch, or what he thinks of her. It doesn't help that she is older and a smoker which I thought my ex despised. Although everytime I make him feel guilty about he throws out that I too have been on dates. Well...ok so he's right but again it doesn't make the pain any easier.

One of the main reasons we broke up was my jealousy issue. The relationship I had with Bailey's father was a rough one...he cheated and hurt me more times than I can count. So I don't trust anymore. I bug and nag and snoop. Although I have gotten a million times better at this he still thinks that there is room for improvement. I asked him tonight if he still had feelings for me and if he thought there was a chance we may end back together. His response was "of course I still have feelings, but so far the reason I left you hasn't changed". Fair enough I guess.

So this is my blog. My suffering through the newly single mother life. The newly "dating" single mother life. I have a date this week with a guy who shares all my view points so we shall see. He is super cute as well and he knows me well so that should make things more comfortable...wish me luck!