Well Here We Go

I had my daughter 2 years ago...but I never really felt like a single mom. About 2 months after she was born I met, dated, and then got engaged to the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He was my version of perfect. My daughter grew up calling him dad, his kid is as close to me as Bailey is, and our house was my new ground, my comfort zone.

This dream world ended approximately at 11PM on New Years Eve. Almost exactly 7 months from the day I was suppose to walk down the aisle to him, he decided to call it quits. I guess I saw it coming but reality didn't hit me. That night it did. I was devistated. I just wanted to rewind and start over...be a better person for him, for our kids. But it was too late, he'd given me my chances. Now I needed to do it alone, to be better for myself.

I don't blame him, but that doesn't take the hurt and pain away. I still love him and he says he still loves me. I moved out a week later to a small house that I now share with 5 other people...now that is hard! I went from a 3 bedroom ranch with a king bed and full appliances. Now I have one small bedroom for me and my two year old to share, a shared bathroom, a shared living area, and shared appliances. I also now reside in a very uncomfortable twin bed. I felt like everything was falling apart.

It's been a month now since that night I wanted to erase forever. We are still friends and we hang out atleast once a week, mostly for our kids to see eachother. I've gone on one date with an old ex that just reminded me how I've had to change who I'm going to look for now that I'm a mom. My ex has been on a few dates with one girl and it kills me. I hate thinking and wondering if they are together, if they are in MY bed, on MY couch, or what he thinks of her. It doesn't help that she is older and a smoker which I thought my ex despised. Although everytime I make him feel guilty about he throws out that I too have been on dates. Well...ok so he's right but again it doesn't make the pain any easier.

One of the main reasons we broke up was my jealousy issue. The relationship I had with Bailey's father was a rough one...he cheated and hurt me more times than I can count. So I don't trust anymore. I bug and nag and snoop. Although I have gotten a million times better at this he still thinks that there is room for improvement. I asked him tonight if he still had feelings for me and if he thought there was a chance we may end back together. His response was "of course I still have feelings, but so far the reason I left you hasn't changed". Fair enough I guess.

So this is my blog. My suffering through the newly single mother life. The newly "dating" single mother life. I have a date this week with a guy who shares all my view points so we shall see. He is super cute as well and he knows me well so that should make things more comfortable...wish me luck!